Failure Doesn't Always Mean 'The End' (QAF, Brian/Justin)

[slashluv18]

Failure Doesn't Always Mean 'The End'
Disclaimer: I don’t own Queer as Folk or any of the characters and I’m not making any money from this story.
Beta: JustBeAQueen
Summary: Past 513, Justin's New York adventure doesn't turn out like planned, but that's not the end of the world.
Warning: spoilers for all seasons 
Characters/Pairing: Brian K/Justin T
Notes: I don't know anything about art, so please ignore any irregularities. Also, I left it a bit open for a possible sequel. I'm not sure if I'm going to write one, but there's room for it. You'll see what I mean after you read it. Please review. This is my second complete QAF story, so I hope you like it.
 

Justin screamed in frustration as he hung up after yet another rejection. He had been in New York for over a year and so far he had no one interested in anything he did. Justin had definitely been right about the cunt of a critic disappearing and it being just talk. None of the galleries or agents cared about one good review. They wanted someone with life experience to put in their art. Apparently, being almost killed, having to work hard to stay in school, getting kicked out for political activism, become part of a vigilante group, helping one's boyfriend through cancer, working on a movie for months, surviving a bombing, and then almost getting married weren't enough life experiences for anybody.

What a bunch of bullshit.

Not only was there no one interested in him, but he didn't have much time to paint. He had to keep 2 jobs to pay for his hole in the wall apartment. It's smaller than his shithole (Brian's words) apartment in Pittsburgh. New York is so damn expensive and he refused to take money from Brian. He needs to try to make it on his own. He'd cave if it looked like he would become homeless or take the term "starving artist" to be literal. When he wasn't working, sleep was so inviting. He didn't even have space for canvases if by some miracle he found time to paint. The few times he tried to paint, he was missing Brian, and everything he did was reminiscent of those feelings. He tried to paint about what he was going through, but they were all for shit. Brian called Justin a drama princess when he complained he couldn't paint without his muse. Then silently (because the topic was one of those forbidden topics), cursed Ethan Gold because that's who he sounded like right at that moment.

Justin was miserable and he didn't know what to do. He felt like if he went back to Pittsburgh, he'd be admitting defeat. He'd feel like the ultimate failure.

Brian was successful in everything he did. If he couldn't have some measureable success, even if only modest, in his chosen field, he didn't know if he could be with his lover any longer. He didn't want to constantly feel like he had to rely on the older man for his money. The last thing he wanted was a sugar daddy.

That's why admitting defeat yet wasn't an option for him. There had to be some way for him to get noticed, some way to get people interested in his work.

Justin was strolling through the want ads, looking for better jobs. Working at 2 diners was slowly killing him emotionally. Working at a diner was great when he was in school, but he needed something better. Even working at an art store would be better; at least he could probably get his art supplies at a discount. Then if he could find some time to paint and some sort of inspiration, he'd be set.

Suddenly, an ad caught his attention. It was a local art gallery that needed some help at nights. He had been hoping for a day shift, but working at a gallery could be perfect. If he got in good with the boss, he could possibly get the boss interested in his work. It was a long shot, but he had to go for it. If nothing else came of it, at least he'd be working with art.

He dialed the number quickly, shifting in his seat in anticipation. A melodic female voice answered.

"Hello, my name is Justin Taylor. I saw the ad in the New York Times; I'd be interested in an interview."

"Do you have any experience working in a gallery?"

Justin thought about lying, but knew that there was no point. The truth would eventually come out, either in the interview or his fist day on the job. "I'm afraid I don't. But I am hard working and I learn fast. I've been exposed to jobs in galleries because I have a friend who worked in one and I used to watch."

"I have to admit you're at least honest."

"I promise if I have the chance, I will impress the boss."

"And confident," she added.

"Most of the time."

"Okay, I usually don't give out interviews to people unless they have some sort of experience, but I'm going to take a chance on you. Can you come in tomorrow afternoon?"

"No problem at all. What time?"

"How about 2:45?"

"Done."

"Okay, my name is Marissa. Ask for me."

"I will and thank you."

"See you tomorrow Mr. Taylor, but don't thank me yet."

The phone disconnected and Justin let out a breath. He knew he would have to be impressive; he had to prepare. Hopefully all his help at the GLC, with Lindsay and PIFA would prepare him for dealing with the very type of place he wanted to be in a show with, not just setting up other people's work.

~~

Justin was wearing some black slacks and a nice, black shirt that Brian had bought him last year. It was very artsy looking, which was exactly what he was going for.

Justin had decided he would not tell Brian about the interview. If he got the job, he'd call Brian with evident joy in his voice. If he didn't get the job, Brian would never know. He did not want to feel like a failure once again because he had to tell Brian more disappointing news. Brian never tried to make Justin feel less, but compared to Brian Kinney, Justin felt inferior at times.

A soft bell rang as Justin opened the door. He hands were a bit sweaty, so he discretely wiped them on his slacks. It was no good to appear nervous.

He looked around. There were a few people there viewing the art. Justin noticed the various reactions. Some looked excited, some looked bored, some looked pretentious, pretending they knew what they were talking about, and some looked curious.

"I just don't understand what the artist is trying to say." The deep, masculine voice caught his attention. Who stood there was a man who could have been related to Brian. The physical resemblance was uncanny. Justin shook the thought away. He was pretty sure if Brian had a brother, Justin would know.

"Sir?" The man turned to him in interest. "This painting is an abstract. The artist was of course feeling something when…" Justin paused to glace at the artist's name, "when she painted it, but to understand an abstract, it's more about what the painting makes you feel."

"What if the painting doesn't make you feeling anything?"

Justin cocked his head. "Then the artist fails. All art should make you feel something. Even if you hate it, there should be some emotion you associate with it."

"You're pretty smart."

Justin blushed, "Thanks, I actually have an interview here, and if I don't Marissa, I'm going to be late. That wouldn't be very impressive."

"Actually, you're right on time."

Justin recognized the voice from the short phone conversation yesterday.

"Hello," she said as Justin turned to see, apparently, Melissa. "Nice to meet you Justin; I see you met the boss."

Justin's eyes widened. "What?"

The Brian look alike chuckled warmly. "I'm sorry to fool you like that. My name is Paul Delorance. We do that with all applicants. Knowing art and the business is great, but what sets certain applicants apart from others is their people skills. I don't want employees who try to appear as sophisticated as possible, using words that give customers headaches. We want people who are down to earth, people who can connect with our customers. The kind of customers that feel that kind of connection will give us their business for their whole lives. Anyone who I feel won't help build lifelong relationship are automatically sent packing."

"I guess I understand, but how did you know who I was?"

Marissa spoke up, while brushing her wispy hair out of the way. "Everyone in the art world has connections with the other people in the art world. Gallery managers know other gallery managers, even galleries as small as ours. We heard about a Justin Taylor with promising talent, but not enough experience trying to get his work showed. We figured that was you and asked for your description. Most young people who want to work at a gallery have a deep interest in art and many times, would love to make a living off of their art. That's why we always ask around when we're hiring. We know that most of our perspective employees would have been around to galleries before ours."

Justin wondered about asking to show them his work, but didn't want to push it so soon. "So, did I pass the first test?"

Marissa and Mr. Delorance looked at each other. Marissa smiled happily. "Congratulations, it seems you are going to be given a full interview."

Justin let out the breath he was holding. "That's great, and I truly appreciate it."

Mr. Delorance smiled. "Come with me. Marissa has to stay out here, so I'll be giving the interview."

Justin's brows furrowed. "Isn't that standard protocol? Doesn't the boss always give the interview?"

"You're definitely on the curious side, aren't you?"

Justin nodded, "Brian says it's one of my many annoying traits."

"I'll have to ask about this Brian person, but to answer your question; yes the boss normally does the interview. I trust her implicitly to know who to hire and who not to. She's my right hand man, or woman rather, as the case may be."

"Sounds like the New York Cynthia."

Justin immediately frowned at himself, for referring to Brian out loud, yet again. His lover was always on his mind, and he really did hope he would get this job, he knew Brian would be proud. And he wanted Brian to be proud of him and do something with his life while he was in New York. Of course, talking to a Brian look-a-like didn't help not thinking about Brian.

"Sorry," Justin murmured softly. "That was another reference to Brian. She started out as his assistant, but now handles a lot more duties. Frankly, I think Brian would be out of business if it wasn't for her."

"I really need to meet this Brian. He sounds just like me."

"It's funny, when I first saw you my first thought was you could be Brian's brother. I never saw someone who looked so similar to him."

They had reached a door to what Justin presumed was Mr. Delorance's office while they were talking. Mr. Delorance opened the door, "After you."

Justin tried to calm his shaking hands. He clenched them until they stilled. He knew them shaking wasn't due to nervousness. It was from stress and exhaustion, a little gift left over from the bashing.

Justin sat in a surprisingly comfortable chair while Mr. Jordan Delorance took the big cushion of a chair that was behind a beautiful wood desk. Justin's eyes curiously took in everything around him; there were intricate carvings that were stunning. Justin would expect nothing less from a gallery.

"So Justin, is it alright if I call you Justin?"

On a lot of people, the comment would have sounded condescending, but Mr. Delorance sounded very sincere in his request. "No problem."

"Justin, it's obvious you're an artist from what I've heard. I also know from Marissa that although you have a friend who worked in an art gallery, you have no experience whatsoever. My first question, why apply here."

Justin took a deep breath. He had to be careful to not sound woe-is-me. That would be a surefire way to not get hired. "I came to New York because of one critic who gave me a shining review, and then proceeded to disappear on me when I got here. I was also a bit pressured by the friend who worked at the gallery to follow my dreams by coming to New York as well as my lover, Brian." Mr. Delorance smiled in acknowledgement of the name. "He didn't want me to sacrifice my career for him, so as of right now, we're in a long distance relationship, which is surprisingly going quite well. We're definitely not fighting as much as I feared we would."

At Mr. Delorance's raised eyebrow, Justin shook his head. "Sorry, I got sidetracked. I tend to ramble sometimes. Anyways, I came here not knowing what to expect with no plan whatsoever. I'm sharing an apartment with a friend of a friend. I didn't take into account that New York is a lot more expensive than Pittsburgh. I'm working two jobs that I don't like just to make ends meet with no time to paint. I decided that if I have to work, I might as well work with art.

Although I've never been interested working in a gallery, business in general never really appealing to me, I decided that this might be a good chance to work with art in some way."

Mr. Delorance looked troubled. "You're obviously a very ambitious young man. I also know you have talent. All the gallery owners who turned you away told me you were very ambitious. The problem is, it sounds like to me that you'd be using my gallery to get noticed. While I'm all for one to getting ahead, there's a time and a place for it."

Justin frowned. "I promise you, if you hired me, I'd be loyal. I'm a hard worker in everything I do, even jobs that I might not necessarily like. I just need a chance."

Mr. Delorance still looked pensive. "I'll make a deal with you. Show me some of your art."

"Why?" Justin was cautious.

"I want to see how talented you really are. Maybe I'll even put you in a show with other artists."

"I have a feeling there's a but here."

"There's no but here. I'm just extremely curious about your work."

"Will you hire me if you like it?"

Mr. Delorance chuckled. "I'm not making any promises, but what do you have to lose?"

"Nothing I guess."

"Come here on Sunday around 9; bring two of your best paintings or sketches, or whatever else you have. I'm not promising anything."

"I'll be here."

Once again, Justin would what keep happened from Brian. He knew what Brian would be mocking when he found out. After all, he was the one who always admonished Brian for his non-sharing attitude. He knew he would have to apologize profusely, probably with a couple hundred blow jobs at the very least. But for now, Brian would not know.

~~

Justin was up bright and early the following Sunday. He had already picked out the pieces he would show. In his opinion, they were his best works and complete polar opposites, showcasing the fact that he painted different things.

One painting was dark. It used light colors, but with dark tinges to it. It gave off the feeling of helplessness. It was how he felt after the bashing. This painting was the first thing he painted when he was first able to begin doing more traditional art once again.

The second painting was, for lack of a better word, cheerful. Like the first painting, light colors were used, but in the way they are known to be used. Yellow, pink, light blue, and orange swirled together in a mismatch of colors. It had quite the dizzying effect. In the center of the rainbow of colors, there were two hazel ovals with specks of gold and green; the center seemed to spark with life all on its own. Not many would understand what the center was, Brian would of course though. He had painted that not long after Brian proposed to him the second time and he accepted. It was before everything went to shit when the Art Forum magazine came out.

It wasn't easy getting the paintings to the gallery, but Mr. Delorance was giving him a chance and he was not going to blow it by complaining. After all the hassle with the two good sized canvases, he was still fifteen minutes early. Justin shrugged. It would just show his eagerness to succeed.

Justin didn't see Mr. Delorance right away, but he did see Marissa talking to a young girl. Justin waited as he assumed she was with a customer; he was wrong.

Marissa's smile was wide as she came over, the girl following. "Hi Justin, this is Azmeralda. Azmeralda, this is Justin Taylor, the one coming to see Paul."

"Hi, nice to meet you." Azmeralda's smile was friendly and inviting."

"Same here." He turned back to Marissa. "Is he ready?"

She nodded in a very perky way. "He's in his office. Do you remember how to get back there?"

Justin nodded, albeit reluctantly, before walking away. He easily found the room, despite not having paid attention when he was brought here for the interview. He knocked tentatively and opened the door when he was told to.

The two of them exchanged pleasantries, and once again Justin was struck by the physical similarities between Mr. Delorance and Brian. He knew that it might just be a very weird coincidence, but something in Justin was making him doubt that. Justin silently vowed to look into it when he found some time.

With all the idle chatter out of the way, Justin set up his 2 canvases on the easels already in the room. Mr. Delorance carefully looked over them, not making sounds so Justin had no clue how he felt about them. He started to tap his foot, feeling antsy and worried at the same time.

"Well Justin, I've seen enough." Mr. Delorance suddenly said, making Justin jump, surprised at his sudden outburst.

"Is that a good thing or bad thing sir?"

"Justin, I understand that the galleries who showed your work to said pretty much the same thing, but didn't attempt to explain anything. Your work is very promising. You have a lot of talent just waiting to be explored, and despite disappearing, the critic from the Art Forum was right; New York can be taken by storm by you…"

"Does that mean you're going to show some of my work?" Justin interrupted, excited beyond words."

"No."

The single word was like a splash of cold water to Justin's face. "But you just said…"

Mr. Delorance put a hand on Justin's shoulder to stop what he was sure would be babble. "You are very talented, but you are not ready for New York…Maybe in a couple of years, but not now."

"But why? And don't give me that bullshit about life experience. You have no idea what I've been though, but I have plenty of that despite the fact that I'm young."

"It's not all about life experience. These two paintings are exquisite, with the emotions they exhibit. Have you painted anything this good since you got here?"

"No," Justin mumbled.

"Why?"

"I miss Brian and he's always been my biggest inspiration."

"It would seem obvious that New York isn't good for you art as a whole?"

"He wants me to be a big fat fucking success, his words not mine. He doesn't want me to give up my dream for him."

"I understand where he's coming from. Another question, why don't you have your degree?"

"How did you…"

"I told you, everyone in the New York art scene knows everyone else. We do the research on the budding artists that grace the inside of any gallery. One of the first things discovered about you was that you left school, not once, but twice."

"The first time it was because of political activism. There are a lot of details that I won't go into. The second time was because I got the chance to go to L.A. to help turn my co-created comic book into a movie. It didn't pan out obviously, but I didn't think about going back to school afterwards." This whole time, Justin wouldn't meet Mr. Delorance's eyes. He now faced them head on. "So what? Who needed a piece of paper saying I graduated when I have talent and passion."

Mr. Delorance sucked his bottom lip into a mouth, making Justin think of another man. Justin quickly shook that thought away. "You're right, talent and passion can't be taught, and artists who finish school but don't have both of those things fail in the art world. But school gives you other things. It gives you ways to try new mediums, mediums you might not have normally thought of to try. You meet other artists who inspire you, and many times, their work will inspire your own work. School teaches you how to persevere, even when things get hard or when you're covering a topic you may not particularly like. It teaches you patience as well. You also have the chance to find other inspirations, inspirations that you take with you to New York.

What I'm pretty much saying is although you may find a gallery willing to put you in an up and coming artists showcase, or something similar, no gallery will seriously offer you any show, not without knowing you have a degree. It may just seem like a useless piece of paper to you, but to gallery managers and agents, it symbolizes you finish what you start."

Justin's brows were furrowed. "Are you saying that the finishing what you start is what is most important?"

"It is one of the most important things about degrees; at least that's what most gallery managers think. Consider it from their point of view. Say you're having a show for three artists, each have 6 pieces in the show. Some of the pieces still have to be made. Two of the artists get all of their work in, but the third is struggling and gives up, pulling out of the show altogether. Now, instead of having the show filled up, there are empty spaces where there should be work. Gallery managers lose money, either by clients wanting their money back for their tickets as the show isn't as advertised or because there isn't the work to sale."

"I've never thought of it like that."

"Listen to me Justin. I understand if you don't like school; I myself wasn't a big fan of school, but suck up and go back to school.

Justin nodded, but he wasn't really listening anymore. His mind was now on what he was going to tell Brian. That conversation wasn't going to be fun.

~~

After much deliberation that night, Justin pushed the one of his speed dial. He waited on bated breath, hoping that there would be no answer, and then scolding himself for being chicken shit. "Hey Sunshine? What's new?" It was said in a joking manner.

Justin took a deep breath before slowly letting it out. "Don't speak until I'm done. I'm coming home."

~~

It obviously wasn't easy to convince Brian because according to the brunet, that lame ass gallery manager didn't know shit. Justin pointed out the fact that he has no success at all, not even a minimal success, and the truth of the matter was, he could see where Mr. Delorance was coming from. He definitely could understand a gallery manager's point of view. No matter how much talent an artist had, if they couldn't be trusted to finish the work, it would be a gamble. Justin told Brian to look at it from a businessman's point of view, and the older man conceded the point. Justin is sure artists have flaked in the past; that's what makes gallery managers so wary.

After much arguing with a stubborn asshole, Brian gave up. The older man might be thickheaded when it came to seeing something that he didn't believe to be correct, but Justin was as persistent and stubborn as him.

After packing up the very few things he had and making sure his roommate could find someone else to take his room, he was on his way back to his home.

He hadn't realized he missed Pittsburgh as a whole until he stepped out of the airport and breathed in the crisp air. There wasn't much scenery, but it felt good, something about just breathing in the same air of his hometown made him realize he was also homesick, and oddly for more than just a specific brunet that he also really wanted to see.

He looked for the corvette. Not only did he see the vintage car, but his lover was causally leaning against it, acting like it was no big deal the blond was home. Justin rolled his eyes; the man wasn't fooling him at all.

He ran to his lover, nearly dropping his bags on the way. The arms were waiting for him and they encompassed him.

Brian and Justin had of course seen each other in the year, but one weekend for a month did nothing to sate their passionate urge for each other. As their lips came together, Justin actually thought he could feel sparks, but brushed it away as wild thinking. Usually they were careful in breeder areas; they didn't want to attract any hate filled words. Justin guessed Brian didn't care for himself, but for his lover. This time though, they had missed each other too much to wait for a kiss.

Justin's cock was hard, and in his constricting pants it was borderline painful. Before they began to have sex right there in plain sight, Justin reluctantly pulled away with a regretful sigh.

Brian actually pouted and tried to pull Justin in again, but the younger man wasn't having any of that and hopped out of his arms.

Yes … hopped, like a rabbit.

When they were both safely in the car, along with the bags, Justin pressed his palm to Brian's persistent erection. "I wonder how fast you can get us home."

"So the loft is your home now." Brian said.

Justin quickly glanced at his lover because of that mean remark, but let it go when he saw his lover hadn't meant it and was already regretful for saying it. "The loft was and will always be home to me. Don't you fucking forget it."

Brian sighed deeply. He squeezed Justin's hands, obviously saying sorry without words.

And Justin squeezed back. Forgiveness.

~~

Although most of the family was ecstatic to hear he was back, at least for a while, some of them (mainly Lindsay) believed he gave up too quickly. It made him question Lindsay's motives. It didn't feel as if she was thinking about what was best for him, but trying to push her own dreams onto him. That was a thought for another day.

Right now he was focused on two things.

The first thing was finishing the education he was never able to finish. He had decided PIFA wasn't for him. Something about the Institute no longer thrilled him like it had when he was a senior as St. James. After some thought, he decided to go to Carnegie Mellon. Although he got in with his own merit, Ben helped him get financial aid. He wasn't sure how, but he was thankful; although he knew Brian didn't mind, he didn't want to start taking money from his lover once again.

Being a traditional university it had far more than general education, and many different degree programs. There were classes for all of the common fields of careers. Maybe that's what Justin needed. Not only could he take his art classes, but he could take other classes that might interest him.

Maybe being an artist in the strictest sense of the word wasn't right for him; it was something he thought about since his conversation with Mr. Delorance. Although he loved art, he wouldn't have spent so many years on it if he didn't; maybe he wasn't meant to use art as a career. Justin did notice that when he was worrying about making money with it, it was no longer fun.

In New York, art wasn't something he did any longer to help relax; it was part of the stress. He wasn't sure what the answer to that problem was, but hopefully, by taking other classes at the university, he might be led to a career that was better suited for him. He might even sit down with a counselor or the career center and find out what careers might appeal to him that involve art in some way, without making his painting or drawing a necessity.

Of course he wasn't telling Brian that. He could hear the bitching now. He might be a drama princess at times, but Brian was a qualified drama queen.

The second thing to focus on was making sure he and Brian didn't screw their relationship up. They weren't monogamous, despite the fact that they were almost married. Justin meant it when he said he didn't want to lose the man he fell in love with. Although they may become monogamous in the future, Justin felt like it should happen gradually, not be forced or sudden. Only then would he know that the man was ready.

So, although there was still tricking on both their parts, it was more about respect. Brian won't push the tricking in his face and the same goes for Justin. Also, Brian will try not to use tricking to punish Justin. That was a pattern in the past, and Brian was going to do everything he could to break it. He no longer wanted to be a cause of Justin's endless pain.

Brian did warn that he may screw up; he was born an asshole after all.

Justin laughed; it was laugh he never had in New York. "You're not perfect Brian, despite what you might think. You're allowed to make mistakes. As long as you learn from your mistakes and try not to repeatedly make the same ones over and over again; that's all I ask."

The kiss then was sweet and filled with gentle love until hungry hands began to explore naked skin.

Moans and grunts of pleasure filled the room, punctuated by pleas for 'more' and 'harder.'

Sure it wasn't going to be easy and there would be struggles and arguments, but this, right now, with Brian at his side, on top of him, behind him, inside him… this is where he belonged. As long as they had each other at the end of the day he could make it, no matter what he did.

Comments

[shenova.livejournal.com]

Interesting take on what could happen with Justin in NY I always felt he went to NY to quickly after one good review seemed a little convenient. I like the fact Justin struggled and it didn't work out and the fact he took some good advice and went home to finish the things he started before he left. Loved it.

[slashluv18.livejournal.com]

I thought it was too soon as well. He could have easily built more of a following in Pittsburgh first.