Am I Happy? (Snape)

[slashluv18]

Am I Happy?
Rating: G
Word Count: 1374
Summary: Severus Snape writes a letter to his future self.

To My Future Self,

I'm ten years old and my teacher gave us an assignment. She wanted us all to write a letter to our future selves, and we are supposed to read them when we turn 25. I have an excellent memory, and I have already made a mental note to read it. We are to write about ourselves so we can see how much has changed when we have had a chance to grow up.

I never wrote in a journal before, or even a letter, but here I go...

Well, my favorite color is black. That comes as no surprise to many people as I usually only wear black clothes. I can't see that changing, so I have a feeling that even at 25, I'll still continue to wear black. I don't have many places that I enjoy going to, but a favorite would have to be a specific playground. That's where I met Lily Evans, my best friend in the whole world. In all actuality, she's my only true friend. I don't listen to music or watch movies. I find them perfectly pedestrian.

I have many interests. Most of them are intellectual. My favorite thing to do is read, especially about potions. I can't wait to be able to work with actual potions when I go to Hogwarts. I'm looking forward to that subject more than any other. I'm also looking forward to Defense Against the Dark Arts, but that's to a lesser degree. When I read, I feel powerful. I read at a level above my age, and it makes me feeling extraordinary instead of simply ordinary.

Although I live in the muggle-word, I'm actually a wizard. A half-blooded one to be exact. My mother is a witch and my father is a muggle. Of course, this letter is private. If my teacher was going to read this, I would have left that bit out. I don't think the Ministry of Magic takes the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy being broken too well.

Anyways, although I know about my wizarding roots, it's not talked about much in the house. While I'm proud that I'm a wizard, just another thing that makes me special in my eyes, my father loathes magic. He does everything he can to force it out of my body, and his means can be pretty violent. My mother ignores it, too scared of my father. Can you believe it? My witch mother is scared of my muggle father. She's a coward and doesn't deserve to have magic.

If I could change anything about myself, I would like to be able to make friends easier. I'm lucky that I have Lily, but despite her companionship, it still can get pretty lonely. Then again, friends can easily betray you, so maybe it's a good thing that I don't have many friends.

I became friends with Lily after I saw her bout of accidental magic at a playground. I explained to her about the wizarding world and how she was a witch. The main difference between us, besides her very outgoing and vivacious personality, is I have always known about magic and what it would mean for me in the future. Even though my father hated it, my mother made sure I knew about magic. It's one of the only things she ever stood up to my father for. Lily, on the other hand, found out when she was nine. Only then did she learn about another world and Hogwarts.

Lily Evans is the complete opposite to me. While I'm surly and genuinely pessimistic, Lily is sweet and optimistic. She's is so pretty. She has the most exquisite red hair and her green eyes sparkle. Even now, I know she'll have a lot of suitors in the future. No one will be able to ignore her absolute beauty. She's also smart. I know she'll probably be my biggest competition for top spot in our year at Hogwarts. I look forward to the competition. She's the kind of girl who will push me to be better than I am. With her, I feel like I can be myself, and she won't look down at me. She doesn't look at my worn down clothes and think 'freak' like her older sister, Petunia. She looks beneath the surface and sees me for who I am. She's my dream girl, and I hope to one day be able to win her affections and be more than just her best friend. I hope one day, I will hold her hand and we will say our vows, binding us to each other eternally. Although I don't know how I feel about being a father, if Lily is the mother, I'm sure I'll learn to love the idea.

Although I do love Lily, I also envy her. She has the one thing I have always wanted, a loving and supportive family. Although her sister leaves a lot to be desired (I don't even know how they're related), Lily's mum and dad are great. I was there when Lily told them about magic. She wanted me there to answer any questions they might have. They might have been a bit skeptical at first (I don't blame them), but once they were convinced that magic truly existed and Lily had the gift, they took it all in stride. Neither of her parents thought she was a freak, unworthy of their love. I never had that. My father told me more than once that he wished I hadn't been born, and if he had known Eileen was a freak, he would have never married her.

Not only were Lily's parents supportive of her, but Mr. and Mrs. Evans, treated me like family. When Lily had first introduced me, Mrs. Evans took one look at me, commented on my dreadful skinniness and sat me down at the kitchen table. She gave me more and more food, and I thought I'd explode from eating it all. All the while, Mr. Evans watched. "Just go with it, son," he said, and something warm expanded in my chest. They even invited me on a daytrip to visit Trinity Buoy Wharf. I've never seen a lighthouse before. I hope my father will let me go, but if he sees how happy it would make me, he might say 'no' just to spite me.

I hope that when Lily and I eventually began to date, they will still look at me with the same fondness. I know parents, especially fathers, can be quite protective of their daughters. And with a daughter as pretty and trusting as Lily, I wouldn't blame them.

The most common mistake people make about me is they underestimate me. They see my scrawny stature, and think of me as a non-threat. In reality they should fear me. My brain can work solutions much faster than theirs. I believe intelligence can be more of a threat than fists or wands. Even if you have strong magic or know a lot of spells, you need intelligence so you can use it in the best way possible to get the best results.

Another thing about me that no one knows is that if I were to visit any country, I would like to go to Russia. I know Russia isn't glamorous by any definition, but they have some of the most obscure potions texts in the world. I would like to go there for a month, and just get lost in the minds of some of the greatest Potions Masters.

Now as I'm finishing this letter, I have to wonder.

What things about me have changed?

Am I married to Lily? Do we have kids? I hope so, at least about the marriage part.

Have I learned to make friends, or am I still a constant outsider no matter where I go?

Am I a Potions Master? Do I invent potions that help people?

Have I gone to Russia to study the great minds?

Do people still automatically underestimate me and look down at me, or do they see me for who I am?

And most importantly – even more important than whether I'm married to Lily – am I happy?

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

Age 10