Journaling About Sammy (Sam, Dean)

[slashluv18]

Journaling About Sammy
Summary: Dean is thinking about his brother and decides to start a journal.
Rating: K+
Warning: Implied character death (Post Season 5, Pre Season 6)
Pairings: wincest if you squint, Dean/Lisa (implied)
Disclaimer: I don't own the fandom or characters and I'm not making any money of of this story.

Dear whatever I should call you,

I refuse to call you a diary. I'm not a chick and it feels just too chickish to call you a journal. You are an inanimate object after all.

Lisa said since I won't talk to her, this is a good way to get out all of my feelings and "heal." I doubt it, but it'll get her of my back, so here goes. There's only one thing I'm really interested in thinking about so I'm going to jump right in with the heavy stuff.

There's silence in the house right now. It's late and both Lisa and Ben are asleep. I'm sitting at the counter in the kitchen, trying to put my feelings into words.

Tomorrow is a very special day, but also a day that I'm going to hate. I didn't even realize what day it was until I saw a calendar at work. It's Sam's birthday and he's spending it in the cage with Lucifer and Michael.

I remember when Sammy was born despite how many years have passed. I was so excited to be a big brother. When I got my first look at Sammy though, I was kind of disappointed. He was a squalling thing with pink cheeks and wrinkled features. Not very cute at all. But when mom had me sit next to her on the hospital bed and helped me to hold my new brother, I had never been so happy or so proud. As soon as my arms came around the fragile baby, Sammy's crying lessened before stopping completely. At that moment, I vowed to be the best big brother in the world, to always keep Sammy safe. I failed to keep that promise so many times.

My latest failure is letting Sam walk into the cage with Lucifer using him a meat suit. I know why Sammy wanted to. Not only did we not have any other ideas, but he felt as if it was his wrong to right. He unleashed Lucifer, of course completely ignoring the fact that I broke the first seal, and he decided it was his job to put Lucifer back.

There are so many things I want to tell my brother, things I had been too cowardly to say before. If I have my way, I will get to say them eventually.

I did what Sam asked me to do. I'm trying to live a normal life with Lisa and Ben, but it feels like a part of me is missing, like half of my soul. I will continue to search for ways to get Sam out of the cage. No matter what, I refuse to give up on my brother. He will one day be back with me, right where he belongs.

That's all I'm going to say right now. I guess I should go to bed. Not sure if keeping a journal will help in the long run, but I will continue to write anyways.

Dean